


innocence and darkness

by blunderingcloudwalk



Category: Gintama
Genre: Conflict, F/M, Light Angst, Light BDSM, Sougo has low self-esteem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blunderingcloudwalk/pseuds/blunderingcloudwalk
Summary: One night is all it takes to turn their worlds upside-down.
Relationships: Kagura/Okita Sougo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 50





	1. Stars Still Shine in The Dimmest of Nights

He drives in darkness, patrols to keep his city safe. He gets his hands dirty to protect the innocence of civilians. But more often than not, he gets his hands dirty just because he’s a sadistic bastard who enjoys seeing others in pain. He’s not the hero that people make him out to be.

He drives in darkness and sees a girl who shouldn’t be out at this time of night. He pulls over, opens the door and speaks. She tells him to fuck off and he stays because she’s China. They argue and insult each other over nothing and everything. Though he’d never admit it, he enjoys running into her when he’s on patrol. It makes things interesting.

He’s never seen her out this late, in the dark, just the two of them. This is the part where he’s supposed to give her the finger and drive off, but his eyes are drawn to the way her skin shines under the streetlights, and his hands suddenly itch to touch her.

Maybe he’s being a creep for thinking of China in this way, but it’s her fault. Damn her for going off to space for _two years_ without a single word. Damn her for suddenly returning and looking like this... how is he _not_ supposed to want her when she has that slit in the side of her skirt, showing off her long legs; when her waist curves so perfectly into her hips?

He reminds her again that she shouldn’t be out so late. _China,_ he puts a hand on her cheek, _there are dangerous people out at night._

To his surprise, she is still. 

He whispers. _You wouldn’t want someone to take advantage of you._

He gets bolder, moves his other hand to her waist. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. Maybe it’s because he’s sleep-deprived, or because it’s dark out. But he knows that he won’t end up really doing anything to China. She’d yell or hit him or run away... No, nothing would happen. But until she acts, he wants to see how far he can go.

He slips his hand under her skirt, feels the soft shape of her ass. Surely this would be too much for her. He braces himself for her screams or a kick in the face or _something-_ but it never comes.

He will spend the rest of his life wondering why she steps closer. Her eyes are trained on his as she places a tentative hand on his erection. Fear. Lust. Curiosity. Fear.

And then they’re in the back of his car and she’s sucking him and she’s absolutely shit at it. He doesn’t have the patience or kindness to remember that she’s inexperienced and afraid. He simply tells her that she’s shit at it. And she is too stubborn to be embarrassed or ask for direction. She grows defiant- of course she does, she’s China. Takes off her panties, spreads her legs  _fine. I will use this instead._ It’s more for her than it is for him; he can tell by the desperate way her legs cling to him.

She envelopes him in warmth and wet, she whimpers, he loves to hear the sound. It feels better than any other girl, probably because their bodies are inexplicably made for each other.

He’s supposed to be on patrol but instead he’s taking a sixteen-year-old’s virginity in the back of the car and he’s a piece of shit and he could get fired for this but he doesn’t care because it’s China and he never really cares about anything when it comes to her.

He drives back alone and he’s ashamed of the fact that he isn’t sorry and he wonders if she’s too young because he can’t tell, she’s sixteen she’s hardly more than a kid- her body didn’t feel like a kid’s- he’s disgusting and he wonders if things are going to change between them and he goes to sleep and dreams of her and wants her again and again.

They see each other again and they fight as they always do. His sword clashes with her umbrella, and when it gets dark his thrusts serve a different purpose. The way they have sex is noticeably similar to the way they fight: forceful, messy, trying to defy and outdo each other.

He suddenly notices that there are tears on China’s cheeks. Is she scared? But he recognizes the look on her face: she’s in pain. Maybe he’s being too rough, or it’s an awkward angle. He knows that they’re not the type to be gentle, but she’s crying. He can’t ignore that.

_ does it hurt?  _

_ yes. _

_ do you want me to stop, or try another position or something? _

_ no. _

_ why? _

_ just...don’t. _

_ why? _

she mumbles something he can’t hear.

_ what the hell, china just tell me _

She is ashamed.  _I like it when it hurts._

Oh. Aren’t they perfect for each other? 

He uses his handcuffs next time, tightens them as they half-heartedly role play- neither of them are too good with their words, so the scenario nearly falls apart, but they don’t care. He’s overjoyed to let out his sadistic side. He still can’t believe that China’s actually into this stuff, but he’s not about to question it. 

The next time he sees her in the light of day, he can’t help but think about the way she acts in the dark. She hides this side of herself from everyone but him, he knows that. He makes sure not to leave any marks on her that can’t be covered by her clothes: that side of her is for him and him alone. 

They don’t get together very often, and he’s greedy. He’s impatient. Every time they interact, he longs for her nakedness, her body pressed against his, sticky with sweat and cum. When did it get like this? Doesn’t he enjoy spending time with her just to talk or fight or whatever? He does, he knows he does. He’s just distracted.

Is it just him or do her eyes look less clear, less pure? Is it just him or does she look sadder? Maybe she wanted more, maybe she wanted to fall in love and have a real relationship. Is it just him or is it fucked-up for a twenty-year-old man to be hooking up with a sixteen-year-old girl- what the hell is he thinking? He isn’t thinking because she’s China and she is his weakness. Age is just a number-  _yeah, and so is 9-1-1._ He knows this. He’s a cop, after all. But what they’re doing isn’t illegal- well, maybe doing it in the patrol car when he’s on-duty...But at least for their ages, she’s above the age of consent and he’s within four years of her, so it’s fine-  _being legal doesn’t automatically make something good._

So, maybe it’s not a good decision, but he doesn’t really care. People always make him out to be some sort of hero, but really he’s a shitty guy. What kind of sick freak gets turned on by inflicting pain upon others?

She’s perfect for him. Her body is strong and heals with incredible speed: he can absolutely wreck her and she’ll be back to normal in a couple of days. She’s annoying, always trying to make things difficult for him- even more so during sex. But for some reason, that just turns him on even more. He likes how defiant she is, how she refuses to admit how much she likes it, how she treats it like another one of their competitions- wait _shit_ she does like it, doesn’t she? Or is he just hurting her and he’s a terrible person-  _sadist? what’s wrong?_

_ you... you like this, right? You’re not just letting me hurt you? _

She blushes.  _yeah, I...like it._

_ no, I’m serious. we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. _

_ I want to. I don’t like  _ admitting _ it, but when you hurt me, I just... I dunno, I don’t think I would like it if someone else did it to me but for some reason, when you do it, it feels good. _

He knows her well enough to know that she’s being honest. Good. That’s good. 

He’s never really understood masochism. He’s always hated pain- physical and emotional, hated letting people have their way with him. He’s weak. She’s strong. He supposes one could argue that sadism isn’t exactly normal either, and he would agree- he doesn’t  _like_ this part of him; it just exists. He wants to be in control, he wants to hurt others so that he won’t end up hurt himself. The whole thing is messed up, but they meet each other’s needs, and that’s what he cares about the most.

He loves it when she gets on her hands and knees and offers up her ass to him- white and round as the moon itself. He loves the satisfying _smack_ of his belt against her smooth skin; he loves how she shudders and arches her back, begging for more.

He loves to tie her up, the way the ropes intricately intersect across her tender body, he tightens them and she whines and moans and loves. She’s probably strong enough to break through them but she lets him do this to her, she lets him do everything to her, he doesn’t deserve her.

He loves the red marks they leave on her skin. He loves her milky paleness, he loves to scratch and bite and defile her and have her come back pure as ever just a few days later.

Her skin is pure, but what about her mind, her heart, her eyes?  _She’s fine. She wants this just as much as you do._

They hardly even talk anymore or spend any time together unless they’re having sex. Part of him misses what they once had. Part of him thinks this is worth it.

* * *

He’s on a bridge, peeking over the railing, watching the water ripple with the wind. It’s calming. And then she’s here. She approaches him with urgency and concern. He wonders why she seems off today-

_ I’m pregnant.  _

Ice runs through his veins. 

He knows he isn’t thinking straight, because at first he wonders if he should say ‘congratulations,’ because that’s what you say when people are pregnant. China loves kids; she’s always wanted to have a family someday-  _someday. Not now, you idiot._

This pregnancy wasn’t planned. And it’s _his_ child- no one in their right mind would want to have a child with him.

And she’s seventeen. 

He hates himself.

_Oh._ That’s all he can think to say.  _I’m sorry._

 _It’s okay._ Her eyes are glassy and unfocused. She looks like she’s trying to pretend this isn’t real.

_ Have you told anyone? _

_ No. But... I want to tell Gin-chan and Anego and Shinpachi... They probably won’t take it very well, but they are like my family. I don’t want to hide this from them, and I know they will help me.  _

_ Do you want me to come with you when you tell them? _

She fidgets with a lock of red hair.  _ I think it would be better for me to do this alone. If you were there, I wouldn’t be able to get more than a few words in. They would beat you senseless with their words and fists and swords. I want to be able to explain things. It’s my fault as much as yours, yes? But they won’t see it that way unless I explain._

Why is she so collected and humble and everything? He would almost prefer it if she shouted at him and hit him.  _China, it isn’t really your fault._

_ Yes it is. I  chose  to have sex with you. _

He feels a need to argue with her.  _Well, that first time... that was basically sexual harassment._

Her voice is flat.  _I could’ve walked away, and you would have let me. And besides, every time after that, it was a choice between both of us. You never forced me to do anything, and then there were those times when we didn’t have a condom and you would always offer to go and buy some right then or to just do oral or whatever and I said no because I wanted it and I trusted you to pull out._

_ Well, you clearly shouldn’t have. I’m not guaranteed to be fast enough every time. _

_ I knew that, and I took the risk. _

_ It’s my fault for even offering to do it without protection. _

_ Condoms can break, you know. _

_...I know.  _

She turns to look at him.  _I’m not... mad or anything._

He wishes that she was. He nods.  _Okay._

* * *

It’s been two days since then, and his stomach feels like lead, his mind feels like static from a broken television. He has trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating. 

Guilt.

When was the last time he felt guilty about something? He’s a terrible person with no remorse; he probably would’ve been a serial killer or something if he hadn’t ended up with the right people. But he feels guilt for her. She deserved better. She deserved to enjoy her final years of being a teenager, a kid. But now she would have to be a mother. She didn’t really  _have_ to, but of course she wanted to go through with the pregnancy because she was so loving and caring and compassionate, even towards an unplanned unborn child that was the result of a shitty sadist’s actions. 

It’s morning and he sits alone in his room and wonders if he would have done things differently if he had the chance. There’s a knock on his door. He is silent. Another knock. He doesn’t want to speak.

Kondou slides the door open, makes his way inside: uninvited but but not refused.

His voice is warm as it always is.  _Sougo. You seem like you’ve been kind of off lately. Is everything okay?_

_ I’m fine. _

Sougo can hear how unconvincing his own voice sounds.

_ You sure? _

Maybe he should just tell Kondou. Everyone’s going to find out eventually, when she gets larger. When the baby is born. There isn’t any point in keeping it a secret.

_ I got a girl pregnant. _

_Oh._ He clearly wasn’t expecting to hear that.  _Were you in a relationship or anything?_

_ Kind of? It’s complicated. _

Silence, sympathy.

Sougo speaks.  _It’s China_. 

Silence, disbelief.

The door slams open. Danna brandishes a wooden sword, Sougo grabs his katana. Kondou tries to break it up, but no. He deserves this. They clash, they make their way outside. There are no words. What would they even say? Both of them know why he’s here and what he did and how they feel. 

Sougo finds himself taking hits on purpose, only blocking his vitals. He wants to get hurt, as if that would atone for his actions. The pain feels good. He never understood it when China said it, but part of him understands now, although he craves the hurt for a different reason.

He wakes up in a hospital bed. He hates hospitals. 

Why is she here? Why is she concerned about him when she’s supposed to hate him? Why does she look down on him with those piercing blue eyes? Why does she ask him if he’s okay?

_ I’m fine. _

_ You do not look fine. _

_ I’m as fine as I can be, considering the circumstances. _

_ I should have stopped him. _

_ Nah. I feel like we needed to do this. _

She doesn’t seem to understand, but she stays. 

Sougo is discharged from the hospital the next day. His left leg is broken, along with a couple of ribs. He can’t go to work; he feels useless. He has nothing to do, so he tentatively decides to visit her. And then she visits him, and they start to see each other regularly. They talk.

He has awkward conversations with people who are China’s family first and his friends second. They don’t quite hate him- thanks to her kindness- but things will never be the same between them.

* * *

It’s going to be his child, just as much as it is hers. He can’t seem to think of himself as a father. But he’s going to be one regardless. She tells him that she thinks it would be good for the baby to grow up with both of its parents, but it’s up to him if he wants to have a part in it. Of course he does. He doesn’t know the first thing about being a parent, he doesn’t think that he’s kind enough or gentle enough. But Sougo was an orphan, and he wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, especially not his own child. China understands. Her mother died when she was young, her father was always absent. Both of them have no idea how to love each other, but they want to give their child the life they never had. They don’t know what it’s going to look like, but they’re going to try their best. He promises. She promises, too.

It’s been three months, and her pregnancy is visible. There are people who see her, people who know her name and her face and the Yorozura but nothing more. Rumors spread. Some people think that Danna did it, that he had been doing terrible things to her ever since he took her in. Some people call her names, some people are sympathetic. Sougo tries his best to clear up their reputations, but people will always talk. He’s sorry. They say they’ll be okay. He’s still sorry.

One day, she tells him he might be able to feel the baby kick. His hand is on her belly, her hand is on his hand. They wait. He feels it. From his hand to his heart to his entire body, he suddenly realizes in full that there is a tiny human being inside of China, knit together from parts of him and her, and it’s beautiful. He hopes that the child will take after its mother because she’s just  _better_ than him in every way.

 _Strong_ ,  he says,  _like you._ China smiles and a tear runs down her cheek and Sougo doesn’t cry because he never cries, but he turns away and mumbles something about there being dust in his eye. He doesn’t know if it’s joy or sadness or being overwhelmed or what. It just feels like an incredible overabundance of emotions that he can’t even even begin to identify.

Days pass, weeks and months. There are preparations to be made, things to buy, things to learn. Neither of them have mothers to consult. He goes with her to every doctor’s appointment. They go to the library and read books about parenting and pregnancy and childbirth. He is terrified for her sake, but she is unwavering.

She decides to stay at the Yorozua place. Sougo probably could have scraped up enough money for the two of them- no, the three of them- to have a small apartment, but it was her choice and she felt the most comfortable at home, at least for now. She said that he was welcome to visit or spend the night anytime. He comes over and helps childproof the house. Danna is there-of course he is; he lives there. Enough time has passed for him not to be mad anymore, but there is a heaviness in his gaze.

Part of him wants to ask if she wants to get married, for the child’s sake if nothing else. But he doesn’t know if he’s capable of maintaining such an important relationship, and he knows that he doesn’t deserve her love. Besides, it’s stupid to think that things will magically get better just by signing some papers and buying a ring. Only time could make things better. Part of him wants to be her husband, to have a happy little family with her- maybe someday, maybe someday if he ever manages to become a good enough person, if their hearts ever come to a conclusion about whether they want to hate or love each other.

At this point, the baby is due any day now. Her belly has grown so much it’s almost painful to look at- of course Sougo has seen pregnant women before, but this wasn’t just a pregnant woman, it was  _China_. Kondou lets him have as much time off of work as he needs- unpaid, because they can’t afford luxuries like paid leave. But still, the fact that he lets him take as much time as he needs is proof of the gorilla’s unyielding kindness.

Sougo stays with China for a day and a night, and then the baby comes. She should be the one who’s freaking out, but for some reason she is calm while he panics. It’s afternoon and Danna is out on a job. Sougo lifts her and awkwardly jogs the distance to the Shinsengumi headquarters (which is thankfully very close by), he carefully lowers her into the passenger’s seat of a patrol car and drives to the hospital, parks. She opens her door and starts to get out but he insists on carrying her because he doesn’t know what else to do. His pulse skyrockets and his voice is too loud and the world is too fast and he is too slow as he awkwardly announces to the first nurse he sees that he has a woman who’s going into labor. 

And then they’re in a room and China is in a bed, giving birth to their baby and it looks painful and beautiful and messy and frightening and she’s so so strong and nurses fly around them and he holds her hand and wills his mind to calm down just a little. 

He remembers that there are people in China’s life that are more important than he is, who deserve to know what’s going on and he reaches for his cell phone to call them, but he doesn’t have it with him because he dropped everything to come here. The hospital probably has a phone he can use, but he doesn’t want to leave her side until it’s over. They tell him that it should take a few hours, and he knew that- he just forgot because he forgot everything the moment she started going into labor. He goes and makes some calls and then he comes back and stays by her side.

They have a son. He is healthy and loud and nothing in the world has ever mattered more to him. China is exhausted, sweating, glowing with love as she holds him close to her chest. Her eyes meet Sougo’s.  _He looks like you._

That shouldn’t be true. All newborns look the same; like shriveled red lumps of flesh, and all couples say mushy things like ‘ooh, she has your eyes!’ when the baby really resembles a potato more than anything. But now Sougo is holding his newborn son and he understands completely. China’s voice is hushed and in awe  _see his nose? His little face? His hair? That’s all from you._ And it is. And then his son opens his eyes. 

Blue. 

The most beautiful of blues, sparkling and pure, more breathtaking than the sky or the ocean or anything this world has to offer. They are China’s. 

Sougo carefully, carefully sits on the edge of China’s bed so that she can see.  _He has your eyes._ She smiles. Sougo doesn’t completely understand. He has no idea how to be a proper father and the responsibility and everything of having a child scares him, but none of that mattered as he gazed at his newborn son. As he held the small boy that was part Sougo and part China, he felt a love that he had never felt before. A pure, unadulterated love that triumphed over his uncertainty, a love that was innocent, a love that was strong, a love that gave him hope of someday being able to love China if she would ever take him, a love that made him want to do anything to make sure that this boy-  _his_ boy- had the best life. He knew that she felt it, too.

It didn’t make sense for something so wonderful and pure to be born out of their lust and pain and mistakes, and Sougo knows that things are going to be hard for the next few weeks, months, maybe even years. This moment is like a deep breath in the middle of a marathon. But for now, he doesn’t want to think about the future or the past. He inhales and drinks this breath in for as long as he can.


	2. Sadists Can Be Kind When You Least Expect Them To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally gonna be a oneshot but I got more ideas so I’m continuing the story!  
> Hope you enjoy~

Kagura’s heart pounds and her mind races as she holds the son she gave birth to. Her son. She’s still trying to comprehend the fact that she just  gave birth-  it seems unreal. The delivery itself was painful and scary, but surprisingly not as hard as she thought it would be. Maybe it was because of her Yato strength or maybe she just got lucky. 

Now Sougo is holding the baby as they marvel over his eyes, his face, his everything and a nurse asks them if they’ve thought of a name.

Kagura widens her eyes in surprise. In all their panic and surprise and preparation, she and Sougo had totally forgot to consider names.

She looks at him and he says that she should be the one to choose. A name immediately comes to mind.

”Souichirou.”

He looks apologetic. “Are you sure?”

“Well, yes! He looks like a mini-Sougo and it’s a cute name, yes? Do you want something different?”

“No, it’s a  nice name... But are you sure you want to name him  after me?”

“Yes.”

His voice is soft. “Alright, then.”

It’s a bit weird how submissive he acts nowadays. He hardly even acts like a sadist anymore. She guesses that’s a good thing, since she was pregnant and all, but she wonders if they’ll ever go back to their fighting and rivalry. She loves to see this kind, gentle side of Sougo, but she misses what they once had, the thing that made their relationship special, the thing that first drew them to each other. He seems just a little bit emptier.

There are friends and loved ones in the waiting room, and baby Souichirou is held in loving arms, incredulous arms. She knows that everyone’s having a hard time processing the fact that Kagura-chan had a kid. She’s still processing it, too.

* * *

They get home and it’s night and she’s exhausted. She sits in the tiny makeshift nursery in the Yorozuya place, made from curtains and renovated closet space. Souchirou has just fallen asleep in his crib when Gin knocks on the door, comes in to check on her for at least the fifth time that night. “You okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m gonna go to sleep soon.”

“Alright. Make sure to get lots of rest.” His expression grows slightly uncomfortable. “I’m... gonna go out for a bit.” 

She knows that Gin is probably going to drink himself half to death in an attempt to cope with the fact that she, the girl who was basically his daughter, had to go through all of this. She knew there was no point in trying to stop him. It was the kind of thing he always did. “Stay safe, ok?”

He gives her a lazy smile. “I’ll be fine.”

Sougo comes back from the shower. They’re sitting together when Souichirou starts to cry. There is a brief moment of panic and she wonders if something is wrong as she holds him, tries to calm him down. But then he tries to suckle her through her shirt and she realizes that he’s just hungry...  _ again.  _ She can’t believe how hungry he is all the time. Kagura unbuttons her top and nurses him, then glances up at Sougo to see him awkwardly averting his eyes. Her voice is quiet as she reminds him that it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before.

He lifts his gaze. “Yeah, it’s just...”

“I know.”

Ever since she told Sougo that she was pregnant, the sexual side of their relationship disappeared. It seemed like he was even more hesitant than her, like he felt guilty about what happened, and he avoided doing anything with her that was even remotely intimate. But this wasn’t a sexual thing. “I’m just feeding our son, yes? You don’t have to make it weird.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

She’s exhausted and he asks if she’s okay and she says she’s fine, it’s just that he eats  _ so much.  _ His worried expression gives way to a slight smile. “I wonder where he got that from.” 

She beams. Even though his appetite is annoying, she loves every little discovery they make about the ways that Souichirou takes after his parents.

Eventually the baby has had his fill and is asleep again. Kagura and Sougo share a futon next to their son’s crib. They aren’t touching, but she can feel Sougo’s warmth next to her, and it’s comforting. She knows that she won’t be sleeping very well tonight, or for quite a while, but she didn’t mind too much. She and Sougo agreed to take turns to check on Souichirou during the night, and she’s still filled with this crazy indescribable love for her son. She can’t see him, but she knows that he’s sleeping peacefully. This moment right here is nice. She feels like she’s gonna be okay; and it’s all so peaceful compared to how she felt when she first discovered her pregnancy.

* * *

During that time, she was in denial, and afraid. Her period was three weeks overdue and she knew what that probably meant but she didn’t want to confirm it because if she confirmed it then it would become real. And then she started getting the effects, vomiting and stuff and then she started getting sick and she didn’t know if it was from the pregnancy or her own anxiety.

Eventually, she went on a long walk, alone, to the outskirts of town where no one would recognize her. She went to a convenience store, bought two tests to be sure. The clerk was a middle-aged woman and Kagura almost broke under her gaze of pity and judgment as she bagged her purchase. Her voice sounded like it wasn’t her own, it was small and fragile as she asked if she could use the store’s bathroom. 

The only thing she could think about was putting one foot in front of the other as she made her way into the bathroom, locked herself in a stall. She read the instructions, took the first test, and waited.

Two lines.

_Shit_.

She knew what that meant, but maybe it was a mistake or something, that was what the second test was for- who was she kidding? She was pregnant. But she took the second test anyway.

Two lines.

She turned around and puked out of stress and fear, used toilet paper to wipe her face with shaking hands, flushed. 

She stood up, but then sat down on the toilet because it felt like her legs would give way and she cried, she sobbed and didn’t care if people could hear, she stayed in that stall for who-knows-how long because she couldn’t bear to face anyone. 

This was the kind of thing that happened to other girls. Irresponsible girls, flighty girls, slutty girls who were stupid and slept around... and then it happened to her and she realized that it could happen to anyone. Why wasn’t she more careful? It was like she couldn’t think straight when it came to Sadist. She just  _ wanted  _ him with a shameful desperation that made her become blind to reason whenever she was in his company. 

_ I’m pregnant. _

_ I’m pregnant with Sadist’s child. _

She let out a soft, pained laugh at how unreal the whole situation seemed. If she could travel back to just last year and tell her past self that the boy she hated would end up getting her pregnant when she was seventeen, her younger self would probably lose her mind. It felt like her present self was losing her mind a little.

She put her hand on her belly, and though she wasn’t able to feel anything, she knew that there was a child in there. Not really a child yet, just a collection of cells, DNA or whatever. Even through her fear and panic, she couldn’t help but marvel a little over the fact that she carried the beginnings of a human being, made up of nothing but the stuff from her and Sadist’s bodies. Of course she knew how babies were made, but knowing and experiencing are completely different things. She could hardly wrap her mind around the things that were happening inside of her.

She took a shaky breath and tried to get over the fact that she was going to have a child when she was hardly more than a child herself. She knew that she had the option to terminate, but it didn’t feel right. She had already gotten attached to the unborn unformed baby inside of her. She didn’t know if it was maternal instincts or just her personality, but she felt a strong sense of love.

Family has always been important to her. Ever since she was a kid, she has tried again and again to reconcile her brother and father. When she came to Earth, she found a family in the Yorozuya (including Sadaharu), and became incredibly attached to them. Even with the large circle of acquaintances she’s made, people that she only knew for a few days, she has always found so much comfort in the bonds they shared. She has always looked for companionship wherever she went. And now she was going to have a child of her own, and she felt a special type of closeness, a fierce protectiveness. No matter what happened between her and that sadist, she knew that this child would come first.

So she pushed her fear aside, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the bathroom. Her mind was a whirlwind as she walked home, and she decided to take a detour to walk over the bridge that she loved, the bridge where she always went to calm down, the bridge where she and Sadist had their farewell fight all those years ago- back when things were simpler.

She sees him there. What a coincidence. She has to tell him, doesn’t she? Kagura makes her way towards him and her hands shake and she’s terrified of how he’s going to react because she’s heard countless stories of good girls who get mixed up with bad guys and they get pregnant and the guy gets mad and he hates her and hurts her and leaves her. Kagura knows Sadist, and she trusts him, and she knows that they care about each other to some extent... but he’s not exactly the kindest person out there. She knows that she shouldn’t be bothered if he ends up leaving her or whatever because they never had an official relationship in the first place, and even if he left, she still had a wonderful supportive group of people that would be there for her. But she’s still scared.

She did her best not to cry as she spoke.

“I’m pregnant.”

To her surprise, he was gentle. He was sorry, he tried to take responsibility. He cared.

And all throughout her pregnancy, it was like Sadist’s entire personality was replaced with something softer, something she had never seen before. Everything he did was for the baby’s sake, or for her sake. The more time she spent with him, the less scary things seemed.

Now, as she lies next to him in the dark and stares at his back, she is aware of his comforting stability. She suddenly wraps her arms around him, hugs him, spoons him, cuddles up close as if he’s some sort of security blanket and she is a child. 

She is a child. She’d be turning eighteen in a few weeks, but she still feels like a child. Even though she loves Souichirou so much, she’s still terrified of all the responsibility that will come with him and she’s terrified of all the ways that her life has changed and all the ways that her life will change. She knows that Sougo’s mental maturity is around the same level as hers and he’s just as clueless about being a parent as she is, but Kagura is also intensely aware of the fact that he is older than her and bigger than her. She feels vulnerable, and she wants him... she’s not sure what she wants him to do. She just wants him.

She feels Sougo stiffen with surprise at her touch. She desperately hopes that he won’t mind. They’ve never really hugged before, and she knows that it’s weird to suddenly cuddle him like this out of nowhere. But then again, she just gave birth. Nothing could get weirder than that. 

To her relief, he relaxes and places his hand on top of hers. No words were exchanged; that one touch said all that needed to be said:  _ I’m here. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaah I feel like they’re ooc but a) they’re aged-up and they just had a child so they’re obviously gonna be acting a bit differently and b) it’s just fanfic I can take a bit of creative liberty if I want. So hopefully it’s not too bad


End file.
